Copyright Millie Plastaras 3/2002
Therefore if anyone is in Christ, He is a new creation,
old things have passed away; behold; all things have
become new. Now all things are of God who has
reconciled us to Himself through Jesus Christ,
and has given us the ministry of reconciliation.
That is, that God was in Christ reconciling the world
to Himself, not imputing their trespasses to them,
and has committed to us the word of reconciliation.
2 Corinthians 5:17-19
We have been discussing how broken relationships
can alter all of our other relationships, as we pick up
qualities that can embitter us, make us defensive,
or build a pattern of avoidance of future relationships.
Basically we become crippled, emotionally and
spiritually. New relationships don't change that
because we are carrying around baggage from the old ones.
It would stand to reason that as Christians we would
want our life to shine as a light, a witness of Jesus
Christ and his teachings for loving others, and forgiveness.
Unconditional. No excuses.
This requires releasing the prideful, clinging to the past
thinking that we as humans tend to practice when we
have been hurt.
Let us look at some positive ways to overcome this
disease of the heart and emotions.
For there to be reconciliation, or a healing in a relationship
we must first of all be willing to sit down and listen.
My husband and I once went to counseling many years
ago, when he was really dealing with some anger issues.
And the counsellor would have each of us say one
sentence about how we were feeling. And the person
we told it to, would have to repeat it back word for word.
At that time, my husband could not repeat it at all. Why?
Because He was not listening. He had closed ears.
And at times, I know I did too. It was amazing to me
that he actually did not hear any word I said, but filtered
it through what he THOUGHT I said.
Imagine the communication problems this causes.
Do you think this problem is happening in your life and
relationships?
This is one of the main downfalls in relationships.
We would rather blame the other person and have them
be at fault, than admit our own faults and work together
to heal the situation. Everyone wants to be right, and no one
wants to be wrong.
If we persist in that kind of reasoning, there can be no
reconciliation.
1. Recognize good communication is key.
Both people must be willing to sit down, and talk, and
open their ears to what is in the other persons heart.
It is not important for you to be right.
It is not important for you to get the last word in.
It is not important for you to feel better than the
other person.
It is not important to cling to what others have done
to us. What is done is done, what will we do to make
today a better day, and this relationship a better one?
Heal it or sit around and be angry and hurt?
2. Recognize the importance of forgiveness in
the eyes of God and in healing your own spirit.
The word of God tells us if we do not forgive others,
God will not forgive us. He considers it that serious!
It would stand to reason that we better take it seriously.
Remember the other person is hurt too, they need healing too,
they are human too, they need love too, they have faults
too. You are both … in need of healing, and must find a
meeting place, where you can talk in a peaceful manner.
3. Recognize the other person's humanness, that they
also have burdens, and pains, and flaws.
Common Ground. A place to meet. We are human and
flawed, let us forgive and stop looking at each other's faults.
We should always try to put ourselves in the other
persons situation or viewpoint. Try to figure out where
they are coming from and see how that might feel if
you were them. This helps us to have more compassion
and understanding, rather than the prideful position that
everything is their fault.
Basically, we are looking beyond their faults, and their
flaws, into their needs and personal desires for their lives.
4. Recognize how you speak to others, and make
it filled with discretion and wisdom.
Use words in your discussion that are not accusatory.
In other words, say I think I understand how you are feeling,
and repeat what you think they are saying. Then tell them
how you are feeling, without telling them how bad you
think they are. Fault finding and finger pointing do not
lead to reconciliation, they lead to anger.
5. Recognize that you need to change yourself.
This is the
only thing you have power over. It is not your job to change,
fix, point the finger at or otherwise judge someone else.
That is God's job. We just need to work on our attitude.
6. Recognize that when you seek healing, and forgiveness,
you are following Jesus concepts.
This should bring
a peace to your spirit, knowing you are humbling yourself,
and seeking to grow spiritually by learning to forgive.
Unconditionally, no excuses.
7. If all else fails get a mediator.
Sometimes when we do all of these things, we find that
we are still at an impasse with this person. Sometimes,
no one is willing to back down. In this particular instance,
a mediator from the church would be scriptural.
Ask someone who is loving and objective to pray with you
and try to help resolve this. Both parties should be willing
to do this. If someone doesn't try to solve the situation,
you will both be in a position of unforgiveness and that
is not healthy. Someone has to be the mature in
the situation. Someone has to have compassion.
8. Set healthy boundaries. Sometimes we need to forgive
but it may not be healthy to be close to that person for a time.
WE must also recognize that sometimes people do
things that are very hurtful and destructive. WE must
still find it within our hearts to forgive them. But we
must also use wisdom, and set boundaries in our
relationship with them. This means we should be loving
and kind to them, but not give them opportunity to take
advantage of us again. We have to set standards
in a loving, gentle manner. We still want Jesus to show
through in the way we treat others.
9.Apologizing is vital.
Even if you feel you might not have
been wrong.
Recognize that you cannot make excuses.
Don't try to justify your actions.
Don't blame the other person.
Accept responsibility for your own actions.
This is how relationships begin to heal.
When people are brave enough to admit their
own faults, rather than feeling the need to point
out everyone else's faults.
Forgiveness starts in the mind, works its way to the
heart, and then, goes to the throne of God,
where we find healing for our own mind, emotions
and spirits.
It is literally a choice.
What choice are you making tonight?
How long are you going to hold on to that hurt?
And is it working for you?
I am sure it is not.
Then you have a choice. Go on in this pain,
or forgive them.
I hope this helps you face your own internal pain
and actually do something about it. You will never
regret it.. you will feel so free and unencumbered in your
spirit... it is a gift.
love always
millie
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